The resurrection of christ
Warning:
I want to make it clear that I do not condone the use of illegal drugs anymore. (Weed is not a drug)
With that being said, I have some stories from my past involving illegal drug use that are so funny they must be told. This is one of them. It should be mentioned that I do not condone the actions portrayed in this story. If you remember this event, please do not make any comments that could allude to peoples real names, as I have made an effort to change names and places to protect the innocent, and the guilty.
Enjoy, and remember, don’t do drugs!
“It was just like the end scene of Terminator 2 when the Terminator came back from the dead. His left eyelid sputtered for a second, then opened up so fast, so hard and so wide I thought his eyeball was going to shoot out of his socket and hit me in the face. I knew at that moment we had done something very, very bad, but very, very awesome. I knew it would be remembered forever.”
“The Resurrection of Christ”
It was the first in a life-long series of going away parties that I threw, for myself. It was December of 2008, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I was going away to boot camp in less than a month, and I spared no expense on the greatest party I had ever thrown.
4,000 dollars got me a two story wedding banquet hall that normally holds wedding receptions for up to 400 people. It was decorated in rockstar theme, with a cheaply glamorous red carpet entrance, photo booth, rock and roll decorations, a full bar, DJ, round tables, and a dance floor that was secluded by a big curtain.
The second level of the banquet hall existed purely to make people feel more comfortable taking their clothes off. It was dark, secluded, and welcomed sex. There were at least 8 couches with curtains draped around them so that if any couple was drunk enough to consider reaching second base, the façade of privacy provided by the $3 curtains I bought at Walmart would make them more likely to hit third base, or maybe even round home.
Making all this possible were the 10 gallons of jungle juice I had flowing out of a water cooler on the second level. The jungle juice was made with the worst vodka found on the very bottom shelf, disguised by capri sun, Sprite, and white grape juice. To the untrained palette, it was delightful and refreshing. To the trained palette, it was cheap jungle juice.
To all, it blacked you out and made you take your pants off after a cup and a half.
I had a party bus take about 50 friends from my apartment in Pacific Beach to the banquet hall, then go to San Diego State to pickup another 40 friends at my old frat house, Sigma Nu. I was 25 years old, about to become an Officer in the Marine Corps in a time of war, still partying with my old fraternity, and I was not ashamed.
Every aspect of the party turned out incredible. Everyone dressed in elaborate rock star costumes from every decade, my parents showed up as Sonny and Cher, the photo booth created pictures that are still on people fridges 6 years later, and there was more sex in and around that banquet room than an all-gay private pool party.
There were people fucking in the stairwell, the kitchen behind the bar, the closets, the bushes outside the room, the bathroom, and the couches upstairs behind the thin white curtains. There were blowjobs and handjobs being offered more casually than drinks, and titties were seen as frequently as smiles.
I waited at the photo booth, which was at the front entrance to the party, for all my friends to arrive. I had a professional photographer snapping away, making everyone look better than they really were, and of course, I made sure I took pictures with every person who walked in. (I also made sure that they paid their $20 entry fee to the party I invited them to.)
The owner of the banquet room showed up and threw a fit when he saw a couple fucking on the floor in the hallway of the kitchen, behind the bar, underneath very bright lights. He walked in on the couple, and put his hands to his hair, as if he was going to rip his hair out.
“What is wrong with you people? You’re right next to a closet door! Would it be that hard to go in a fucking closet? For god sakes!”
The couple got up and ran back out into the party. I don’t remember what happened to them, except that she got pregnant. Oops.
At just 9 o’clock one of my friends ran up to me in a panic.
“Dude, you gotta go talk to the owner of this place, like, right now”
“Oh shit. What happened?”
“I Dunno. He just said ‘This is out of fucking control and I’m shuttin it down.’ That’s all I heard.”
I ran around the banquet hall frantically looking for the owner. When I found him he was standing by the dance floor with his arms folded across his chest.
“Excuse me sir how are you? Is everything going ok?”
He ignored me and continued staring straight ahead. He was looking at a couple on the dance floor. The guys hand was way up her rock star groupie skirt. He must have had his whole fist in there.
The owner continued staring without moving. At least 20 seconds had gone by, and it got really weird because my dick started getting hard watching the couple go at it. He finally turned and yelled to me in a thick New York accent over the sound of the music.
“I was gonna shut this party down, but this is the most unbelievable fuckin thing I ever seen in my life. You got till 2.”
I looked at him in astonishment, the room was only rented till 1.
“Thank you sir I really appreciate it”
“You goin into the service?”
“Yes sir”
“Which one?”
“The Marines”
“Jeezus.” He shook his head in painful acceptance of his own decision. “You guys are fuckin nuts. Enjoy your extra hour, don’t burn my fuckin place down”
“Don’t worry sir Ill be back first thing in the morning to clean the place up”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever” He shook his head and walked away.
I gathered up some friends in a huddle and told them the amazing news. One of the first things my friends said in response was.
“OH MY GOD BRO LETS BURN THIS FUCKING PLACE DOWN!”
Laughter, high fives, and ass slaps followed that statement.
I called the party bus and adjusted the timeline, and before I was done with the call someone introduced three new cute girls to me. I picked the least attractive one because I knew she’d be the easiest to nail, and took her upstairs to offer her a drink and get to know her personality. One minute later someone came running to get me.
“DONNY we have an emergency!”
“Whoa, whoa, chilllll bro, I’m getting to know my friend here. Umm, what’s your name again sweetie?” I was considerably more drunk than I was the last time someone came to me with a problem.
“Chelsea”
“CHELSEA! Yes, I knew it. Goddamn you are fucking HOT Chelsea. You know that?” She was actually not hot, so she wasn’t used to hearing it, which I knew would make her 10x more likely to give me a BJ; within the hour. I put my arm around her and kissed her cheek. She giggled and my mistake was forgiven. I felt awesome. She felt more awesome.
My friend yanked me away and killed my buzz.
“Bro, one of Derk’s baseball buddies is passed out in the bathroom stall and the owner wants to call an ambulance if we don’t get him up and out of here. His exact words were ‘Nobody’s gonna die in my place tonight. He can die somewhere else’.”
“Oh shit”
We ran downstairs to the bathroom. The first thing I saw when I opened the bathroom door was my buddy JJ doing key bumps of cocaine in front of the mirror. No shame in his game.
“Oh hey what’s up Donny! Haven’t seen you in a while. What’s up you piece of shit?” JJ looked in the mirror and cleaned up his nose as he said it.
“Hold on, one of Derk’s buddies is about to get this party shut down early” I was too worried to make small talk. I walked over to the stall and tried to open the door, it was locked. I looked underneath the stall doors and saw a limp body with a face on the tile next to the toilet.
“Oh shit, there’s someone in there?” JJ asked.
“Yep. And he looks dead. Fucking awesome.” I crawled underneath the door and tried waking up the unconscious professional baseball player. I slapped him, shook him, did a sternum rub, and splashed toilet water on his face. Nothing.
All of a sudden JJ came crawling underneath the door with a drink in each hand.
“Dude I could have just opened the door for you” I said, looking at him like he was an idiot.
He shrugged. “Oh, yeah, whatever. I brought you a drink.”
“Thanks bud, its good to see you here.” I graciously accepted his drink.
“Yeah, I know.” He tilted his head and pretended to brush his hair like a stuck up girl. It was a funny act he did frequently. He laughed at his own impression, then thought for a second and said “I’m gonna miss your faggot ass Don.”
We both leaned back against the wall as we sat on the bathroom floor and cheersed each other. We sipped of jungle juice. It was delightful.
“So the Marines huh? That’s pretty crazy. What’s that gonna be like?”
I shrugged.
“My dad said it’s just being paid to go camping and shoot guns and become a respectable man. I reckon I’ll find some way to make a mockery of it”
“Your life is pretty much a mockery of life, so, that sounds about right.”
“Ooo wow, I like the sound of that. ‘My life is a mockery of life.’ That’s profound. And so true.”
“I try.”
“Ok we gotta get this fuckin guy out of here or a lot of my money is going to waste.”
“I have an idea” JJ said.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a little baggy of coke and placed it on the floor. Then he took his straw out of his cup, and asked me for mine. He bit both straws in half, then brought the bag of coke next to the baseball players face. He stuck both straws in the bag of coke, and put the other end way up the guys nostril. He used one finger to pinch the other nostril. I was astonished that he even thought of this. I was frozen in awe.
“Come here I need you to cover his mouth” JJ said.
“Fuck no dude we can’t do this. He’s a pro baseball player and still gets tested. This could ruin his career.”
“Oh stop being a little bitch Donny.” He looked genuinely disgusted with me. “What’s more important, his stupid career, or your party that you spent like, a million dollars on”
“My party” I said without hesitation.
“Exactly. He’s not gonna make it past Double A anyways, so shut the fuck up and cover his mouth. Jeezus for a Marine you’re a fucking pussy”
“You’re right bro, a conscience is for chicks and pussys. Let’s do this.”
I laid on my side behind the guy, while he was on his side, and covered his mouth while JJ jammed the straws up his nose. It looked like I was taking him from behind in my bedroom at my parents house, covering his mouth to make sure he didn’t squeal and wake my parents up. If anyone else saw us, it would have been awkward.
The guys body jerked as his brain struggled for oxygen. He jerked for about 7 long and dreadful seconds until finally taking a hard and intense breathe through his one nostril with the straws jammed up it. I watched the white powder rise up the tube and into his nose. I felt like I was watching a science experiment. Since the straw was wet, lots of the powder got stuck in the sides of the tube.
JJ said “Fuck that’s a lot of wasted coke. I have a better idea”
He took the straws out of his nostril and gently tapped the straws on the plastic bag to shake some of the coke out. It wasn’t working, the coke was wasted.
“Ah fuck it” JJ said.
He threw the straws down and reached into his pocket and pull out a key. He dipped the key in the bag and put enough coke to get Jordan Belfort high, on the tip of the key.
“Cover his mouth and close his right nostril” I happily complied. JJ jammed the key into this nose.
He struggled again, this time for almost 10 seconds as his brain desperately searched for a way to get air. Finally he took an even deeper breath that cleared the key in a millisecond. I looked at JJ, shocked.
“Holy fuck that was a lot of coke bro” I said a little worried.
“I know right?” JJ patted the guy gently and looked at him like it was his child that he loved dearly, “you did great bud. You’re gonna wake up feeling like a million bucks”
“Tomorrows gonna hurt though” I said.
“We’re over it” JJ said it without compassion.
We sat there and talked and sipped refreshing jungle juice for a few minutes while we waited for Jesus Christ to be resurrected from the dead. It didn’t take long for Jesus to start turning in his grave. He twitched. I was leaning on him and he kicked me.
JJ and I looked at each other with wide eyes as if to say “Oh my God it worked!”
He twitched again. Then again.
We both got closer to his face and stared intently, worriedly waiting for something to happen, like two kids poking a poisonous snake. (Which I’ve done)
I looked at JJ and said “maybe a little more is what the doctor ordered.”
“Wow, listen to you, you devil you.”
“The deed has been done bro, let’s not half ass it.”
We both looked back at dead Jesus.
At that moment something beautiful happened.
It was just like the end scene of Terminator 2 when the Terminator came back from the dead. His left eyelid sputtered for a second, then opened up so fast, so hard and so wide I thought his eyeball was going to shoot out of his socket and hit me in the face. I knew at that moment we had done something very, very bad, but very, very awesome. I knew it would be remembered forever.
JJ and I were scared by the intensity of the eyeball opening. The one eye looked angry, borderline psycho. It looked from left to right, up down, then right at us. I thought he was going to kill us. Then his right eye opened up just as intensely, and looked right at us. I was certain he was going to start breaking walls down. Instead, the look in his eyes turned a bit frightful, and he spoke.
“What happened?”
“You passed out in here and we’ve been trying to wake you up for a long time.” (It was no more than 10 minutes)
“Why am I wet?” He asked.
“I poured some ice water on your face, I think that’s what got you up” I looked at JJ and winked. I noticed the toilet water still in his hair and almost felt bad for a second.
Suddenly he jerked up and shook his head. “Oh my God I have so much fucking energy right now. Holy shit how long did I sleep for?”
“3 days and 3 nights,” I said. JJ burst out with laughter.
“Your body is very well rested right now bro. I think it’s time to party.” I said it with the utmost seriousness. JJ nodded in agreement.
He clenched his fists and yelled “FUCK YEAH!” Then he jumped up, opened the stall door and stood in front of the bathroom mirror. He made a face like his nose and throat hurt, then squeezed his nose. “Dude my fucking nose hurts. But it’s like, weird. Did I hit the floor or something?” The kid had never done coke before, so it was a very unfamiliar feeling.
“Yeah man I found you face down on your nose, so that would explain it” I don’t know why I got such a kick out of lying to him.
He began rinsing his face, and JJ whispered in my ear. “Should we tell him?”
“Hell no.”
“Okay”
Jesus pinched his nose again and tilted his head back while opening and closing his mouth; it was almost as if he had recently snorted a lot of cocaine.
“Oh my God DUDE, I feel fucking amazing right now. Who wants to party?” He looked right at me. “Lemme get a fuckin drink man”
He grabbed my cup out of my hands and chugged it, then looked at himself in the mirror and said “YES!”
He quickly turned and headed to the bathroom door. When he got to it he kicked it open as hard as he could, and after taking two steps out of the bathroom he yelled at the top of his lungs with clenched fists and his arms held out to his sides, like Chuck Liddell after winning a fight “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
The owner of the bar just happened to be about 10 feet away, with his arms still folded, observing the awesomeness that was my party. He watched Jesus float out of the bathroom with his arms open, ready to give the world his soul. The owner shook his head again and then sat down, never taking his eyes off of heaven.
I looked at JJ “I can’t fucking believe that worked man”
“I know right?”
“I’m telling EVERYONE about that!”
I walked around and told as many friends as I could about what JJ and I had just done in the bathroom, potentially ruining a career, but saving the party. Every person I told got excited and swelled with energy, as if they had just done a key bump themselves.
Everyone at the party agreed that I did the right thing.
The kid never popped on a drug test, and never made it past Double A baseball. Meanwhile, everyone at the party got laid, a beautiful child was conceived to a loving single mother, and everyone is still talking about that party to this very day.
So you tell me, did I do that right thing? Should I be ashamed?
I want to make it clear that I do not condone the use of illegal drugs anymore. (Weed is not a drug)
With that being said, I have some stories from my past involving illegal drug use that are so funny they must be told. This is one of them. It should be mentioned that I do not condone the actions portrayed in this story. If you remember this event, please do not make any comments that could allude to peoples real names, as I have made an effort to change names and places to protect the innocent, and the guilty.
Enjoy, and remember, don’t do drugs!
“It was just like the end scene of Terminator 2 when the Terminator came back from the dead. His left eyelid sputtered for a second, then opened up so fast, so hard and so wide I thought his eyeball was going to shoot out of his socket and hit me in the face. I knew at that moment we had done something very, very bad, but very, very awesome. I knew it would be remembered forever.”
“The Resurrection of Christ”
It was the first in a life-long series of going away parties that I threw, for myself. It was December of 2008, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I was going away to boot camp in less than a month, and I spared no expense on the greatest party I had ever thrown.
4,000 dollars got me a two story wedding banquet hall that normally holds wedding receptions for up to 400 people. It was decorated in rockstar theme, with a cheaply glamorous red carpet entrance, photo booth, rock and roll decorations, a full bar, DJ, round tables, and a dance floor that was secluded by a big curtain.
The second level of the banquet hall existed purely to make people feel more comfortable taking their clothes off. It was dark, secluded, and welcomed sex. There were at least 8 couches with curtains draped around them so that if any couple was drunk enough to consider reaching second base, the façade of privacy provided by the $3 curtains I bought at Walmart would make them more likely to hit third base, or maybe even round home.
Making all this possible were the 10 gallons of jungle juice I had flowing out of a water cooler on the second level. The jungle juice was made with the worst vodka found on the very bottom shelf, disguised by capri sun, Sprite, and white grape juice. To the untrained palette, it was delightful and refreshing. To the trained palette, it was cheap jungle juice.
To all, it blacked you out and made you take your pants off after a cup and a half.
I had a party bus take about 50 friends from my apartment in Pacific Beach to the banquet hall, then go to San Diego State to pickup another 40 friends at my old frat house, Sigma Nu. I was 25 years old, about to become an Officer in the Marine Corps in a time of war, still partying with my old fraternity, and I was not ashamed.
Every aspect of the party turned out incredible. Everyone dressed in elaborate rock star costumes from every decade, my parents showed up as Sonny and Cher, the photo booth created pictures that are still on people fridges 6 years later, and there was more sex in and around that banquet room than an all-gay private pool party.
There were people fucking in the stairwell, the kitchen behind the bar, the closets, the bushes outside the room, the bathroom, and the couches upstairs behind the thin white curtains. There were blowjobs and handjobs being offered more casually than drinks, and titties were seen as frequently as smiles.
I waited at the photo booth, which was at the front entrance to the party, for all my friends to arrive. I had a professional photographer snapping away, making everyone look better than they really were, and of course, I made sure I took pictures with every person who walked in. (I also made sure that they paid their $20 entry fee to the party I invited them to.)
The owner of the banquet room showed up and threw a fit when he saw a couple fucking on the floor in the hallway of the kitchen, behind the bar, underneath very bright lights. He walked in on the couple, and put his hands to his hair, as if he was going to rip his hair out.
“What is wrong with you people? You’re right next to a closet door! Would it be that hard to go in a fucking closet? For god sakes!”
The couple got up and ran back out into the party. I don’t remember what happened to them, except that she got pregnant. Oops.
At just 9 o’clock one of my friends ran up to me in a panic.
“Dude, you gotta go talk to the owner of this place, like, right now”
“Oh shit. What happened?”
“I Dunno. He just said ‘This is out of fucking control and I’m shuttin it down.’ That’s all I heard.”
I ran around the banquet hall frantically looking for the owner. When I found him he was standing by the dance floor with his arms folded across his chest.
“Excuse me sir how are you? Is everything going ok?”
He ignored me and continued staring straight ahead. He was looking at a couple on the dance floor. The guys hand was way up her rock star groupie skirt. He must have had his whole fist in there.
The owner continued staring without moving. At least 20 seconds had gone by, and it got really weird because my dick started getting hard watching the couple go at it. He finally turned and yelled to me in a thick New York accent over the sound of the music.
“I was gonna shut this party down, but this is the most unbelievable fuckin thing I ever seen in my life. You got till 2.”
I looked at him in astonishment, the room was only rented till 1.
“Thank you sir I really appreciate it”
“You goin into the service?”
“Yes sir”
“Which one?”
“The Marines”
“Jeezus.” He shook his head in painful acceptance of his own decision. “You guys are fuckin nuts. Enjoy your extra hour, don’t burn my fuckin place down”
“Don’t worry sir Ill be back first thing in the morning to clean the place up”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever” He shook his head and walked away.
I gathered up some friends in a huddle and told them the amazing news. One of the first things my friends said in response was.
“OH MY GOD BRO LETS BURN THIS FUCKING PLACE DOWN!”
Laughter, high fives, and ass slaps followed that statement.
I called the party bus and adjusted the timeline, and before I was done with the call someone introduced three new cute girls to me. I picked the least attractive one because I knew she’d be the easiest to nail, and took her upstairs to offer her a drink and get to know her personality. One minute later someone came running to get me.
“DONNY we have an emergency!”
“Whoa, whoa, chilllll bro, I’m getting to know my friend here. Umm, what’s your name again sweetie?” I was considerably more drunk than I was the last time someone came to me with a problem.
“Chelsea”
“CHELSEA! Yes, I knew it. Goddamn you are fucking HOT Chelsea. You know that?” She was actually not hot, so she wasn’t used to hearing it, which I knew would make her 10x more likely to give me a BJ; within the hour. I put my arm around her and kissed her cheek. She giggled and my mistake was forgiven. I felt awesome. She felt more awesome.
My friend yanked me away and killed my buzz.
“Bro, one of Derk’s baseball buddies is passed out in the bathroom stall and the owner wants to call an ambulance if we don’t get him up and out of here. His exact words were ‘Nobody’s gonna die in my place tonight. He can die somewhere else’.”
“Oh shit”
We ran downstairs to the bathroom. The first thing I saw when I opened the bathroom door was my buddy JJ doing key bumps of cocaine in front of the mirror. No shame in his game.
“Oh hey what’s up Donny! Haven’t seen you in a while. What’s up you piece of shit?” JJ looked in the mirror and cleaned up his nose as he said it.
“Hold on, one of Derk’s buddies is about to get this party shut down early” I was too worried to make small talk. I walked over to the stall and tried to open the door, it was locked. I looked underneath the stall doors and saw a limp body with a face on the tile next to the toilet.
“Oh shit, there’s someone in there?” JJ asked.
“Yep. And he looks dead. Fucking awesome.” I crawled underneath the door and tried waking up the unconscious professional baseball player. I slapped him, shook him, did a sternum rub, and splashed toilet water on his face. Nothing.
All of a sudden JJ came crawling underneath the door with a drink in each hand.
“Dude I could have just opened the door for you” I said, looking at him like he was an idiot.
He shrugged. “Oh, yeah, whatever. I brought you a drink.”
“Thanks bud, its good to see you here.” I graciously accepted his drink.
“Yeah, I know.” He tilted his head and pretended to brush his hair like a stuck up girl. It was a funny act he did frequently. He laughed at his own impression, then thought for a second and said “I’m gonna miss your faggot ass Don.”
We both leaned back against the wall as we sat on the bathroom floor and cheersed each other. We sipped of jungle juice. It was delightful.
“So the Marines huh? That’s pretty crazy. What’s that gonna be like?”
I shrugged.
“My dad said it’s just being paid to go camping and shoot guns and become a respectable man. I reckon I’ll find some way to make a mockery of it”
“Your life is pretty much a mockery of life, so, that sounds about right.”
“Ooo wow, I like the sound of that. ‘My life is a mockery of life.’ That’s profound. And so true.”
“I try.”
“Ok we gotta get this fuckin guy out of here or a lot of my money is going to waste.”
“I have an idea” JJ said.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a little baggy of coke and placed it on the floor. Then he took his straw out of his cup, and asked me for mine. He bit both straws in half, then brought the bag of coke next to the baseball players face. He stuck both straws in the bag of coke, and put the other end way up the guys nostril. He used one finger to pinch the other nostril. I was astonished that he even thought of this. I was frozen in awe.
“Come here I need you to cover his mouth” JJ said.
“Fuck no dude we can’t do this. He’s a pro baseball player and still gets tested. This could ruin his career.”
“Oh stop being a little bitch Donny.” He looked genuinely disgusted with me. “What’s more important, his stupid career, or your party that you spent like, a million dollars on”
“My party” I said without hesitation.
“Exactly. He’s not gonna make it past Double A anyways, so shut the fuck up and cover his mouth. Jeezus for a Marine you’re a fucking pussy”
“You’re right bro, a conscience is for chicks and pussys. Let’s do this.”
I laid on my side behind the guy, while he was on his side, and covered his mouth while JJ jammed the straws up his nose. It looked like I was taking him from behind in my bedroom at my parents house, covering his mouth to make sure he didn’t squeal and wake my parents up. If anyone else saw us, it would have been awkward.
The guys body jerked as his brain struggled for oxygen. He jerked for about 7 long and dreadful seconds until finally taking a hard and intense breathe through his one nostril with the straws jammed up it. I watched the white powder rise up the tube and into his nose. I felt like I was watching a science experiment. Since the straw was wet, lots of the powder got stuck in the sides of the tube.
JJ said “Fuck that’s a lot of wasted coke. I have a better idea”
He took the straws out of his nostril and gently tapped the straws on the plastic bag to shake some of the coke out. It wasn’t working, the coke was wasted.
“Ah fuck it” JJ said.
He threw the straws down and reached into his pocket and pull out a key. He dipped the key in the bag and put enough coke to get Jordan Belfort high, on the tip of the key.
“Cover his mouth and close his right nostril” I happily complied. JJ jammed the key into this nose.
He struggled again, this time for almost 10 seconds as his brain desperately searched for a way to get air. Finally he took an even deeper breath that cleared the key in a millisecond. I looked at JJ, shocked.
“Holy fuck that was a lot of coke bro” I said a little worried.
“I know right?” JJ patted the guy gently and looked at him like it was his child that he loved dearly, “you did great bud. You’re gonna wake up feeling like a million bucks”
“Tomorrows gonna hurt though” I said.
“We’re over it” JJ said it without compassion.
We sat there and talked and sipped refreshing jungle juice for a few minutes while we waited for Jesus Christ to be resurrected from the dead. It didn’t take long for Jesus to start turning in his grave. He twitched. I was leaning on him and he kicked me.
JJ and I looked at each other with wide eyes as if to say “Oh my God it worked!”
He twitched again. Then again.
We both got closer to his face and stared intently, worriedly waiting for something to happen, like two kids poking a poisonous snake. (Which I’ve done)
I looked at JJ and said “maybe a little more is what the doctor ordered.”
“Wow, listen to you, you devil you.”
“The deed has been done bro, let’s not half ass it.”
We both looked back at dead Jesus.
At that moment something beautiful happened.
It was just like the end scene of Terminator 2 when the Terminator came back from the dead. His left eyelid sputtered for a second, then opened up so fast, so hard and so wide I thought his eyeball was going to shoot out of his socket and hit me in the face. I knew at that moment we had done something very, very bad, but very, very awesome. I knew it would be remembered forever.
JJ and I were scared by the intensity of the eyeball opening. The one eye looked angry, borderline psycho. It looked from left to right, up down, then right at us. I thought he was going to kill us. Then his right eye opened up just as intensely, and looked right at us. I was certain he was going to start breaking walls down. Instead, the look in his eyes turned a bit frightful, and he spoke.
“What happened?”
“You passed out in here and we’ve been trying to wake you up for a long time.” (It was no more than 10 minutes)
“Why am I wet?” He asked.
“I poured some ice water on your face, I think that’s what got you up” I looked at JJ and winked. I noticed the toilet water still in his hair and almost felt bad for a second.
Suddenly he jerked up and shook his head. “Oh my God I have so much fucking energy right now. Holy shit how long did I sleep for?”
“3 days and 3 nights,” I said. JJ burst out with laughter.
“Your body is very well rested right now bro. I think it’s time to party.” I said it with the utmost seriousness. JJ nodded in agreement.
He clenched his fists and yelled “FUCK YEAH!” Then he jumped up, opened the stall door and stood in front of the bathroom mirror. He made a face like his nose and throat hurt, then squeezed his nose. “Dude my fucking nose hurts. But it’s like, weird. Did I hit the floor or something?” The kid had never done coke before, so it was a very unfamiliar feeling.
“Yeah man I found you face down on your nose, so that would explain it” I don’t know why I got such a kick out of lying to him.
He began rinsing his face, and JJ whispered in my ear. “Should we tell him?”
“Hell no.”
“Okay”
Jesus pinched his nose again and tilted his head back while opening and closing his mouth; it was almost as if he had recently snorted a lot of cocaine.
“Oh my God DUDE, I feel fucking amazing right now. Who wants to party?” He looked right at me. “Lemme get a fuckin drink man”
He grabbed my cup out of my hands and chugged it, then looked at himself in the mirror and said “YES!”
He quickly turned and headed to the bathroom door. When he got to it he kicked it open as hard as he could, and after taking two steps out of the bathroom he yelled at the top of his lungs with clenched fists and his arms held out to his sides, like Chuck Liddell after winning a fight “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
The owner of the bar just happened to be about 10 feet away, with his arms still folded, observing the awesomeness that was my party. He watched Jesus float out of the bathroom with his arms open, ready to give the world his soul. The owner shook his head again and then sat down, never taking his eyes off of heaven.
I looked at JJ “I can’t fucking believe that worked man”
“I know right?”
“I’m telling EVERYONE about that!”
I walked around and told as many friends as I could about what JJ and I had just done in the bathroom, potentially ruining a career, but saving the party. Every person I told got excited and swelled with energy, as if they had just done a key bump themselves.
Everyone at the party agreed that I did the right thing.
The kid never popped on a drug test, and never made it past Double A baseball. Meanwhile, everyone at the party got laid, a beautiful child was conceived to a loving single mother, and everyone is still talking about that party to this very day.
So you tell me, did I do that right thing? Should I be ashamed?