Embarrassing confessions of a wild marine lieutenant
I wasn't exactly the best Officer in the Marine Corps.
I can't say for sure because I don't know exactly how we were ranked by Marine Corps leadership, but I can say for sure that I wasn't in the top 5.
If we were to be ranked by our behavior off base, and out of uniform, I might have been one of the worst.
If I was a bettin man, I'd bet a months pay that I was in the top five Worst Behaved Officer's in the United States Marine Corps.
This is not something I'm proud of. In fact, I'm very ashamed of my behavior as an Officer.
I really wanted to conform, I wanted to behave properly, and I wanted to act the way the Marine Corps expected me to act 24/7, but I'm not a method actor; so as soon as I left base and took my uniform off, I relaxed my "Marine Officer" character and became who I am. A horny, easily excited, easily distracted, 15 year old, grown man/child.
It's almost unfortunate that I joined the Marines as an Officer, because if I had I been an enlisted Marine, I would have fit right in with the ranks of 20 year old, heavy drinking, hard partying, frequent fighting, womanizing, weight-lifting, gun-slinging Infantrymen.
Unfortunately, I signed up to be an Officer and a gentleman.
So my career as a Marine Infantry Officer was really just a 5 1/2 year Academy Award Winning acting performance that eventually landed me in Afghanistan with a lot of firepower and a passionate bloodlust for Taliban, and less than a year later, left me with a broken body and a pension.
Thanks Uncle Sam.
My friends have been laughing at my stories as an adolescent child pretending to be a Marine Infantry Officer for many years.
Now, because I am selfless and kind, I want all of you to laugh at my stories too.
If you don't find my stories funny, it's because you're not an American.
Enjoy.
I can't say for sure because I don't know exactly how we were ranked by Marine Corps leadership, but I can say for sure that I wasn't in the top 5.
If we were to be ranked by our behavior off base, and out of uniform, I might have been one of the worst.
If I was a bettin man, I'd bet a months pay that I was in the top five Worst Behaved Officer's in the United States Marine Corps.
This is not something I'm proud of. In fact, I'm very ashamed of my behavior as an Officer.
I really wanted to conform, I wanted to behave properly, and I wanted to act the way the Marine Corps expected me to act 24/7, but I'm not a method actor; so as soon as I left base and took my uniform off, I relaxed my "Marine Officer" character and became who I am. A horny, easily excited, easily distracted, 15 year old, grown man/child.
It's almost unfortunate that I joined the Marines as an Officer, because if I had I been an enlisted Marine, I would have fit right in with the ranks of 20 year old, heavy drinking, hard partying, frequent fighting, womanizing, weight-lifting, gun-slinging Infantrymen.
Unfortunately, I signed up to be an Officer and a gentleman.
So my career as a Marine Infantry Officer was really just a 5 1/2 year Academy Award Winning acting performance that eventually landed me in Afghanistan with a lot of firepower and a passionate bloodlust for Taliban, and less than a year later, left me with a broken body and a pension.
Thanks Uncle Sam.
My friends have been laughing at my stories as an adolescent child pretending to be a Marine Infantry Officer for many years.
Now, because I am selfless and kind, I want all of you to laugh at my stories too.
If you don't find my stories funny, it's because you're not an American.
Enjoy.
Just a few of my stories while playing the role of a marine lieutenant.....
Gay Chicken
I was playing Gay Chicken with a good buddy at the District Center in Musa Quala with a lot of high ranking Officers around. This required courage worthy of the Medal of Gay Honor. Despite heroic achievement, neither of us were written up for the award.
SCENT OF AN ANGEL
During an inspiring logisitcs brief, I saw the most beautiful woman in the entire world. In the history of mankind, a woman's hair has never smelled so good.
BIG FUCKING DICK
Little did we know we had an undercover Mandingo midget warrior living amongst us. Once we found out, the jokes flowed like wine.
Helo Extract
The last combat mission I ever did almost ended in a downed CH-53, right in front of me.
The road to war
I flew into Afghanistan with a loaded gun. A very loaded gun.
Pre-op shack
An hour before a night time helicopter raid I came down with a wicked case of food poisoning. I almost missed my ride.
Post-op hunt
Upon returning back to base I made a desperate and valiant attempt to take our combat reporter back to a truck for some intimate conversation.
Shitty dreams
While pissing out of my ass, I began a dream that coincided with a firefight.
Wanna get away for a while
While eating lunch with a squad of Afghan Army soldiers, I had the most uncomfortable moment of my life.
John fuckin wayne
Before our first patrol together, I had a squad of Afghan Army convinced that I was a war God. Boy were they wrong.
Chai boy fantasy
I was so entertained by Chai Boys that it made a few of my fellow Marines very uncomfortable. I still don't see what the fuss was all about, I just like good dancing....
shameful disrespect
Minutes before a dangerous helicopter raid, my buddy Toby had me read a Psalm that Marine Lieutenants have been reading to their platoons before battles ever since Iwo Jima. Toby knew I wasn't religious, but I think he assumed that everyone magically became religious when they got really scared in combat. He was wrong. He shouldn't have had me read it, and I shouldn't have responded the way I did.
Poor extractor
Since I am made of thin glass, I break easy, ankles especially. This was my first in a series of scary and embarrassing helicopter, truck, and foot raid extracts that were made more challenging by my genetic predisposition to breaking.
inconsiderate pricks
I was sleeping in the wrong place at the wrong time. Next to the mortar tube, when it was fired. There's more to it than that, just wait.