“Whoa, whoa, excuse me bro,” I puffed my chest so he knew I was serious, “you don’t think I'm gay? Are you serious?” I pointed to Johnny. "I’ll suck his fucking dick right now.”
Fucking posers
The Christmas season is one my favorite time’s of the year in San Diego, right up there with summer, spring, and fall. At least a half a dozen of my good friends always throw Christmas parties, and I embarrass myself at at least 4 of them.
Two of the best guys I know own their own gym in Point Loma, S10 Fitness. I met Dave and Chris when we were personal trainers together in 2006, long before I joined the Marines.
In 2014 they threw a raging Christmas party at their gym and invited everyone. Every inch of the gym was decorated in Christmas theme, there were great asses everywhere, a fire performance, a bar in the middle of the gym, and least 15 gallons of liquor behind the bar, ensuring that everyone at the party blacked out and trashed Dave and Chris’s livelihood.
I showed up with my cousin Bobby dressed as an altar boy and a priest, respectively. Dave the owner dressed up as Jesus Christ, completing the Catholic Christmas.
While outside at the ice luge, awaiting my turn, my old fraternity brother Johnny and I started yelling Biblical verses at each other at the top of our lungs. This was for absolutely no reason. Things got a little heated, as most religious interactions involving booze do, and in a passionate rage Johnny jumped on me and wrapped his arms around me like girl would do to her boyfriend after a long time apart. Naturally, I latched on, and embraced him tightly as he began bouncing up and down like he was riding me, yelling as loud as he could “OH FUCK ME FATHER, FUCK ME FATHER, FUCK ME FATHER!”
I was very quickly annoyed beyond belief, so I threw him off me and adjusted my altar boy cassock.
“I’M NOT A FUCKING PRIEST, I’M A FUCKING ALTAR BOY, FUCK MAN”
We immediately began laughing until I heard someone behind me say in a very annoyed tone “Excuse me boys are we done yet?”
I turned around and saw the handsome gentlemen who was pouring ice luge shots looking at me like I was an idiot. It was my turn and he was waiting for me.
“Sorry, we’re really gay.” I said, hoping to confuse him and make him look at me weird the rest of the night.
He responded quickly “Umm, NO,” he put his hand on his chest, “I’m ACTUALLY gay, and you guys are just fucking posers.”
I felt like my gay manhood had been challenged.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, excuse me bro,” I puffed my chest so he knew I was serious, “you don’t think I’m gay? Are you serious?” I pointed to Johnny. “I’ll suck his fucking dick right now.”
Johnny stepped up to my defense and stood shoulder to shoulder with me, chest puffed and arms out and said “Yeah, I fuck him in his ass all the time.”
My new gay friend was not amused. He rolled his eyes and said “Paleeeease. You wouldn’t know how to suck a dick if it hit you in the face.”
My face got bright red with anger, “Johnny, hit me in the face with your dick right fucking now. I’ll show this mutherfucker who’s gay.”
I got on my knees and Johnny began undoing his belt buckle. I yelled at him, “HURRY THE FUCK UP AND PULL IT OUT PUSSY!”
I yelled until I remembered that Johnny loves to take things too far, and really was about to pull his dick out and try to hit me with it. At that point I pussed out, pushing him away, and shamefully giving up the game of gay chicken.
I turned to my new gay friend in defeat. “You got me bro, you got me, I’m just a regular straight nerd.”
He laughed and said “Don’t worry I wont hold it against you. You’re too cute. Shot?” He held up the bottle, indicating I was a fool to wait any longer.
I blushed little and as I stepped up to the ice luge and opened my mouth. He poured me a shot of something fruity and fantastic.
We chatted and I told him that my best friend of 18 years and I, were just at the Amsterdam Gay Pride Festival. He laughed and said,
“Oh my Gosh. That’s how It starts. Trust me. That’s how it allllllways starts. You’ll see. You have a lot to learn. You’ll see.”
I was astonished, I looked at him wide eyed and said “holy shit, that’s exactly what a bunch of gay guys said to us in Amsterdam when we told them that we were ‘just friends’.”
He just smiled. “You’llllll see”
Um, I still don’t get it, that’s how what starts?
Fucking posers
The Christmas season is one my favorite time’s of the year in San Diego, right up there with summer, spring, and fall. At least a half a dozen of my good friends always throw Christmas parties, and I embarrass myself at at least 4 of them.
Two of the best guys I know own their own gym in Point Loma, S10 Fitness. I met Dave and Chris when we were personal trainers together in 2006, long before I joined the Marines.
In 2014 they threw a raging Christmas party at their gym and invited everyone. Every inch of the gym was decorated in Christmas theme, there were great asses everywhere, a fire performance, a bar in the middle of the gym, and least 15 gallons of liquor behind the bar, ensuring that everyone at the party blacked out and trashed Dave and Chris’s livelihood.
I showed up with my cousin Bobby dressed as an altar boy and a priest, respectively. Dave the owner dressed up as Jesus Christ, completing the Catholic Christmas.
While outside at the ice luge, awaiting my turn, my old fraternity brother Johnny and I started yelling Biblical verses at each other at the top of our lungs. This was for absolutely no reason. Things got a little heated, as most religious interactions involving booze do, and in a passionate rage Johnny jumped on me and wrapped his arms around me like girl would do to her boyfriend after a long time apart. Naturally, I latched on, and embraced him tightly as he began bouncing up and down like he was riding me, yelling as loud as he could “OH FUCK ME FATHER, FUCK ME FATHER, FUCK ME FATHER!”
I was very quickly annoyed beyond belief, so I threw him off me and adjusted my altar boy cassock.
“I’M NOT A FUCKING PRIEST, I’M A FUCKING ALTAR BOY, FUCK MAN”
We immediately began laughing until I heard someone behind me say in a very annoyed tone “Excuse me boys are we done yet?”
I turned around and saw the handsome gentlemen who was pouring ice luge shots looking at me like I was an idiot. It was my turn and he was waiting for me.
“Sorry, we’re really gay.” I said, hoping to confuse him and make him look at me weird the rest of the night.
He responded quickly “Umm, NO,” he put his hand on his chest, “I’m ACTUALLY gay, and you guys are just fucking posers.”
I felt like my gay manhood had been challenged.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, excuse me bro,” I puffed my chest so he knew I was serious, “you don’t think I’m gay? Are you serious?” I pointed to Johnny. “I’ll suck his fucking dick right now.”
Johnny stepped up to my defense and stood shoulder to shoulder with me, chest puffed and arms out and said “Yeah, I fuck him in his ass all the time.”
My new gay friend was not amused. He rolled his eyes and said “Paleeeease. You wouldn’t know how to suck a dick if it hit you in the face.”
My face got bright red with anger, “Johnny, hit me in the face with your dick right fucking now. I’ll show this mutherfucker who’s gay.”
I got on my knees and Johnny began undoing his belt buckle. I yelled at him, “HURRY THE FUCK UP AND PULL IT OUT PUSSY!”
I yelled until I remembered that Johnny loves to take things too far, and really was about to pull his dick out and try to hit me with it. At that point I pussed out, pushing him away, and shamefully giving up the game of gay chicken.
I turned to my new gay friend in defeat. “You got me bro, you got me, I’m just a regular straight nerd.”
He laughed and said “Don’t worry I wont hold it against you. You’re too cute. Shot?” He held up the bottle, indicating I was a fool to wait any longer.
I blushed little and as I stepped up to the ice luge and opened my mouth. He poured me a shot of something fruity and fantastic.
We chatted and I told him that my best friend of 18 years and I, were just at the Amsterdam Gay Pride Festival. He laughed and said,
“Oh my Gosh. That’s how It starts. Trust me. That’s how it allllllways starts. You’ll see. You have a lot to learn. You’ll see.”
I was astonished, I looked at him wide eyed and said “holy shit, that’s exactly what a bunch of gay guys said to us in Amsterdam when we told them that we were ‘just friends’.”
He just smiled. “You’llllll see”
Um, I still don’t get it, that’s how what starts?