Grandma, On Kleptos,
A few days ago I was cleaning out and organizing the garage for the 11th time this year. I noticed a Johnny Cash cd that has been in the same place for all 11 of those cleanings.
I took it into the living room and handed it to Grandma, where she was reading a book on World War II with a giant magnifying glass.
“Grandma, do you like Johnny Cash”
She looked up at me, but kept the magnifying glass in the same place.
“What?” She looked annoyed.
“JOHNNY CASH” I yelled to make sure she heard me.
“Yes, what you want with him?”
“Do you like him?”
She looked at me like I was a complete moron. “Of course, you kidding me? He is de star. Bery beautiful music.”
“Okay good, then this is for you” I handed her the CD.
She looked at the CD, then looked up at me to make sure I was serious. “Oh my Gah! I like bery much. De music is de best ones. From long time ago. You know dis is very good music?”
“Yes I know, of course. That’s why I want you to have it.” I also don’t use CDs anymore.
“Oh thank you mijo. Thank you.”
Today I was eating lunch in the dining room. Grandma walked up to me very susipiciously.
“Did you buy me dat CD.? Dey Johnny Kesh?”
“Yep”
“When?”
“I dunno. A long time ago.”
“How much you pay?”
“I dunno, it was a long time ago”
“You liar”
“Whaaaaat? Why?” I was busted.
She positioned herself right in front of me and looked me in the eyes
“Because I sure I buy dis ones long time ago”
“Oh, well I thought I bought it…maybe not..”
She smirked and nodded. “Yeah, right. Ok guy”
Then she walked over to her entertainment center and started pulling out CDs.
She opened up a Kenny Rogers CD case. It was empty.
“You see dis? Nothing. Someone eh steal from me”
“Nooooo, on one stole from you. You just misplaced it.”
“EXCUSE ME, I remember bery well. Someone take eh dis ones. And many more. Some people have de problem with take de things”
“Like who?” I thought she was insinuating one of my friends.
She shrugged, I dunno, can be anybody. “Some peoples have de disease. De steal de things, and for no reason. Maybe de don’t even need, pero dey steal because de brains is have de problems” She pointed to her brain.
I began laughing. She continued going, and I just smiled knowing I was gonna hear something awesome.
She moved around to the other side of me as I sat there and stuffed my face. She was in the mood for a lesson.
“Some people’s no can control de brain. Dey steal EVERYTHING from EVERYBODY,” she waved her hands like a sun rising to emphasize how many things cleptos want to steal. Then she grabbed the salt shaker on the table. “Dese peoples no undastand why dey steal. They just take like dis.” She pretended to put the salt shaker in her pocket and walked away, just like a clepto would. I cracked up.
Then she grabbed the ceramic butter container and put it in her pocket. This time she did a great impression of a clepto. Looking all around, eyeing the loot, then quickly putting it in her pocket, and walking away nonchalantly like nothing happened.
I was dying. She was dead serious.
“Is no funny. Dese people have de disease. Dey don’t know.”
“Yeah, its called a cleptomaniac”
She nodded her head in agreement, “Das right, de kryptonite”
I burst out laughing. “No, no, KLEPTO”
She nodded, “Yes, klecko, das right”
That was as good as it was gonna get, so I left it alone. “Yep, that’s it”
She walked back over to the entertainment center and finalized her lesson, “You neva know who got de disease.” She shrugged. “It could be anybody, you, little Chris, Bobby, de women’s. Anybody. You neva know.” She did another shrug then closed the entertainment cabinet.
“What about you Grandma? Could it be you?”
“You don’ know who it is, man. You don’ know.” She did one last, long shrug as she walked to her room with the ceramic butter container still in her pocket.
A few days ago I was cleaning out and organizing the garage for the 11th time this year. I noticed a Johnny Cash cd that has been in the same place for all 11 of those cleanings.
I took it into the living room and handed it to Grandma, where she was reading a book on World War II with a giant magnifying glass.
“Grandma, do you like Johnny Cash”
She looked up at me, but kept the magnifying glass in the same place.
“What?” She looked annoyed.
“JOHNNY CASH” I yelled to make sure she heard me.
“Yes, what you want with him?”
“Do you like him?”
She looked at me like I was a complete moron. “Of course, you kidding me? He is de star. Bery beautiful music.”
“Okay good, then this is for you” I handed her the CD.
She looked at the CD, then looked up at me to make sure I was serious. “Oh my Gah! I like bery much. De music is de best ones. From long time ago. You know dis is very good music?”
“Yes I know, of course. That’s why I want you to have it.” I also don’t use CDs anymore.
“Oh thank you mijo. Thank you.”
Today I was eating lunch in the dining room. Grandma walked up to me very susipiciously.
“Did you buy me dat CD.? Dey Johnny Kesh?”
“Yep”
“When?”
“I dunno. A long time ago.”
“How much you pay?”
“I dunno, it was a long time ago”
“You liar”
“Whaaaaat? Why?” I was busted.
She positioned herself right in front of me and looked me in the eyes
“Because I sure I buy dis ones long time ago”
“Oh, well I thought I bought it…maybe not..”
She smirked and nodded. “Yeah, right. Ok guy”
Then she walked over to her entertainment center and started pulling out CDs.
She opened up a Kenny Rogers CD case. It was empty.
“You see dis? Nothing. Someone eh steal from me”
“Nooooo, on one stole from you. You just misplaced it.”
“EXCUSE ME, I remember bery well. Someone take eh dis ones. And many more. Some people have de problem with take de things”
“Like who?” I thought she was insinuating one of my friends.
She shrugged, I dunno, can be anybody. “Some peoples have de disease. De steal de things, and for no reason. Maybe de don’t even need, pero dey steal because de brains is have de problems” She pointed to her brain.
I began laughing. She continued going, and I just smiled knowing I was gonna hear something awesome.
She moved around to the other side of me as I sat there and stuffed my face. She was in the mood for a lesson.
“Some people’s no can control de brain. Dey steal EVERYTHING from EVERYBODY,” she waved her hands like a sun rising to emphasize how many things cleptos want to steal. Then she grabbed the salt shaker on the table. “Dese peoples no undastand why dey steal. They just take like dis.” She pretended to put the salt shaker in her pocket and walked away, just like a clepto would. I cracked up.
Then she grabbed the ceramic butter container and put it in her pocket. This time she did a great impression of a clepto. Looking all around, eyeing the loot, then quickly putting it in her pocket, and walking away nonchalantly like nothing happened.
I was dying. She was dead serious.
“Is no funny. Dese people have de disease. Dey don’t know.”
“Yeah, its called a cleptomaniac”
She nodded her head in agreement, “Das right, de kryptonite”
I burst out laughing. “No, no, KLEPTO”
She nodded, “Yes, klecko, das right”
That was as good as it was gonna get, so I left it alone. “Yep, that’s it”
She walked back over to the entertainment center and finalized her lesson, “You neva know who got de disease.” She shrugged. “It could be anybody, you, little Chris, Bobby, de women’s. Anybody. You neva know.” She did another shrug then closed the entertainment cabinet.
“What about you Grandma? Could it be you?”
“You don’ know who it is, man. You don’ know.” She did one last, long shrug as she walked to her room with the ceramic butter container still in her pocket.